Blocks

I think most of the time my writer's block is self-imposed. It's not a lack of things to write, or desire to write them, or even ability to write. It's fear of what will happen once I put that writing out into the world.

Words are so easily misinterpreted. It's a great bit of ass-covering if you're a lit student... there is no wrong answer blah blah blah. But if you're the writer, trying to field questions from people you know, or people who think they know you... it's a bitch.

Whenever I've put myself fully into writing, it's always been the same... People mutter, look at me sideways, then slowly creep up with queries and concerns. Do I really feel that way? It'll be ok. When did that happen? Is there anything they can do to help?

What people can do to help is to accept that writing is writing. Yes, there are some reflections of me in there, but it's like a funhouse mirror version of me. On one page, I might have a big head, while on another I have elephantiasis-infested cankles. It's me, but it's not.

So what do I do? How the fuck can I get over this block? It's self-imposed, but not. Maybe this is why so many authors are faceless hermits. Maybe Pynchon and Salinger got it right.

But that's the deep dark secret behind it all... I don't want to be faceless in this. Writing is all I have to get attention, and I want that attention. I don't want it in the form of pseudo-concern about my welfare and whether this that or t'other was true. I want praise. I want pats on the head and people loving me for my talent.

I want the same affirmation of my talent that I've wanted since I was a kid. The same damn drive that has given me ulcers and mental breakdowns, trying to be the best, being the best, thinking the best isn't enough. I don't know whether all that genius kid bullshit caused it, or whether it's just part of the mentality that we bring to the genius kid stuff. Either way, I'm an overachiever and a show-off. I do things well and I damn well want some recognition for it.

But... there's the sad little person behind all that. I can talk the big talk about genius and rewards. Under it all, though, is the crippling fear of not being good enough, and of having all of this crap be absolutely meaningless. It's a deep, dark fear that all the pain and suffering was just pain and suffering. It's such a fear, I can't even think of it in passing without being stopped, the wind knocked out of me, tears coming to my eyes.

I'm scared.